I find anxiety to be extremely fascinating. On the days where I’m riddled and my entire body and soul are suffering; I tend to be alright with the fact that I don’t do anything. The anxiety itself is the activity. I sit and I bundle up and I imagine all the possible ways that I could die in that very moment. Impending death seems to be a common thought. But sometimes I get a day all to myself. No voice in the back of mind saying nasty things. No strange inexplicable (completely explicable) feelings in my body. Yet now there’s something else to be worried about. What do I like. Before I became a trembling anxious mess I had hobbies, friends, passions. I was always out and about and happy to be. I would read from dusk till dawn and play so many games with my friends. Dating made me happy too, mostly to go out and meet new people, and the prospect of a paid dinner was an added bonus. But now I can’t help but feel very very sorry for myself. One would think that it’s a blessing to have a day off from anxiety. I used to for sure. Recently I’ve found myself making lists of things I want to do, to read, to watch. It’s as if I have to remind myself that I do actually enjoy things. Writing this was struggle enough. “Oh, come on! It’s completely normal to forget about things you like, you’re just overwhelmed.” Mmmm I wouldn’t say so. I am always and completely underwhelmed. Games aren’t fun, movies and shows are boring, and a good book doesn’t even exist on this terrestrial plane. I have been reborn into my own universe where everything, and everyone, is pointless, useless and stupid. It’s not depression or anything like that. I know that if I tried a bit harder, I could get back to myself. You know I just have to meditate, and journal, and read ‘The law of Attraction’. And keep to myself and never say anything bad for I have the power to manifest it. And I wouldn’t even have to try that hard! The power to create is real and when I think too hard about something bad it could very well happen, so being cautious is best. Anything I could ever want is right in front of me. Soooo close. I just have to get out of this slump. Be better be better, Oh! And do more as well. I think people forget about that part. Never ever ever forget that by sitting around and wallowing you are pretty much giving up on any life you may have been able to have. Speaking of which, there are 5 games on my ‘To play’ list right now. I just need to get off my ass and play them. Two of the games are The Legend of Zelda. I wonder why two of the games that I want to play are from the same series. It is not because I like that series. I only like my boyfriend and I only like sitting on my couch and I reeeaally like staring at my phone for 7 hours a day. I can read this and feel sad for myself, but what does it take to push yourself towards bigger and better things? When I talk to them about it, I feel so annoying. I’m annoying myself right now to be honest.